Protocol for getting what you want
Protocol for getting what you want
How to stop being avoidant and start being upfront in relationships
The previous newsletter on being avoidant in romantic relationships discussed how dudes are liable to know what they want, not act on it, and then proceed to be avoidant to protect their own identity. The pattern doesn’t serve anyone, least of all men, and I want men to have tools to break through on it. This post describes a protocol for doing that.
In martial arts, there’s a concept of “get your butterflies to fly in formation.” It refers to channeling the tension into useful action. I think the same metaphor is useful for relationships. There always comes a time when conflict is necessary and useful. The butterflies come up and we can either swallow them or follow them into doing something about it. The beginning stages of romantic relationships are swimming in these kinds of moments - especially for dudes in one of those “I like you enough to have sex but not enough to be in a committed relationship” relationships. But this protocol applies to just about any significant relationship I’ve been a part of. A few examples:
My drum teacher is hounding me for another lesson and I don’t have the balls to say I don’t want another lesson.
I spent Thanksgiving with family members where I acted passive aggressive as hell and I would rather leave that behind than speak to them about it.
I’m on OpenAI’s board and I don’t like the direction the CEO is taking the company, and so I’m considering firing the guy instead of talking to him, OpenAI’s leadership, and its major financial stakeholders about it.1
The protocol comes courtesy of Andrew Horn at the mens’ group Junto - big thanks to Andrew and Junto for letting me share this with yous guys.
The protocol
Andrew framed this protocol as something to help bring a “below the line” relationship “above the line.” A “below the line” relationship is one where I feel tension because there’s something I’m not being upfront and honest about. I’m being avoidant. Whether I’m conscious of it or not, this is likely affecting my body language and ability to be present with that person. Over time they’ll notice the vibes just ain’t right.
“Above the line” means I show up as honest and present. In my humble opinion, these relationships always end up being more rewarding. So the goal here is to go from being avoidant to being honest and present. Here’s the basic protocol:
Prepare to have a conversation.
Think about the following:
Who am I “below the line” with? In which relationship do I feel tension, anxiety, or resistance? If there’s a text message or phone call I’ve been avoiding, chances are there’s some below the line energy there.
What am I feeling? Is it sadness, fear, anger, or shame? Where do I feel the tension?
What do I want? Are there specific behaviors I want this person to take to meet my needs? Are there specific actions I want to take, but don’t feel permission to take?
Have a conversation:
Start with data. State what happened to trigger the feeling. What did the other person do or not do? Was there something else that happened? Stick with the facts here and stay away from any judgy sounding language (e.g. “you lied, “I was having a bad day”)”. In fact pretty much all adjectives are not in your service for this part. By sticking with facts, there’s no need to worry about being “right” or opening a debate.
Share the emotion. Share how you feel (e.g. fear, anxious, shame), again without sharing any judgment. Don’t share the judgment - e.g. “That got me angry” instead of “that was dishonest.” Don’t get into right or wrong or justifying anything. This will tank getting what you want. You’re being plain about the fact that X actions have created Y emotion in you.
State what you want. Whatever you figured out regarding you want the other person to do or what you yourself want to do, state it.
Accept their answer or ask questions. Sometimes people react with a “Totes get it. I’ll do that.” Sometimes they push back. Either way, you have 3 options:
Accept what they're available for
Continue finding out what they’re available for
Walk away from the relationship aka the nuclear option
I did this this with my mom on Tuesday (after I acted passive aggressive at Thanksgiving). The whole interaction lasted about 15 seconds before she responded with her version of “my b” and we moved on to what to do with leftovers. It honestly felt underwhelming as I had psyched myself up for battle. The useful thing about having just those three options at the end are that they prevented me from digging in for more or ranting after she already gave me what I wanted.
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I’ve created an online course for men’s emotional intelligence tools. It’s cheaper than therapy and the protocols we focus on have changed many a dude’s life - mine included. And just as important, you’ll get access to our community forum for life. The first cohort kicks off December 5th. Join by clicking the button below:
I have no idea what actually happened at OpenAI. That said, I think counting on people being avoidant because they’re escaping emotions as opposed to some better reason is a decent rule of thumb.