Tools for improving self respect and being useful
Tools for improving self respect and being useful
What self respect and being of service looks like in men's work
The last post focused on left vs. right conceptions of manhood. To oversimplify, the “left” would love to emphasize service to one’s community but doesn’t have clear guidelines on how to and the “right” emphasizes self-respect - sometimes at the expense of the autonomy of others. The post centered around prescriptions and rules, which are useful for debates but not actually changing behavior in my opinion. What I do find useful are tools, and so this post is on the tools used in men’s work that I think help dudes practice both values in healthy ways.
And to briefly define what I mean by those two values, “self-respect” to me looks like creating boundaries, saying “no” to things that don’t serve me, and recognizing someone’s else emotional baggage as theirs, not mine. Living a life of service to me means finding a cause or community bigger than myself, and prioritizing being useful to that cause or community.
Neither of these traits are particularly masculine. Joan Didion’s 1961 essay on self respect is an inspiration and I think service-mindedness is hard to find in secular conversations around manhood. But the tools described below are a product of men’s groups - they are used by men all over the US to put self respect and service at the center of their lives. I’ve found them tremendously useful for daily practice and as a reminder for the kind of dude I want to be.
Tools for self-respect
Psychological shield: This is a metaphor used to learn how to accept criticism. Whenever someone is about to lay into me, I put up my psychological shield. If a particular criticism resonates, I let it in and work with it. If it doesn’t resonate, then it bounces off and I disregard it. I’m explicit with myself about what I let in and what I bounce off.
Learning how to ask for stuff: Dudes often don’t ask for stuff when they want stuff, and this causes problems. There’s a common phrase used in men’s work when asking someone for something: “My want, knowing I may not get it, is ________”. I could be asking someone to put their chair back at the end of the meeting, asking someone to not use certain language, or asking someone to avoid serious interpersonal conflict. The purpose of this phrasing is to make it clear that the person being asked is not compelled to do so. It’s their decision to choose either way and live with the consequences. Somehow for me, making it clear that I’m not imposing on another person makes it easier to ask for stuff.
The phrasing here is a bit formal to use in everyday interactions, but its a useful template if I’m having a tough time asking for something.
Learning to renegotiate: When it comes to making promises, I’m liable to either overcommit or not commit to anything. Neither of these options are very mature in regards to self-respect. Making and fulfilling promises to someone else is central in men’s groups, and to encourage that behavior there’s a strong rule that’s changed my relationship with commitment: it’s totally fine to renegotiate if I’m upfront about it. That means texting someone as soon as I find out I’m gonna be late. It means asking to reschedule if making a meeting becomes improbable. The purpose of this is not to normalize reneging on commitments, but making the act of “renegotiating” a positive thing so I don’t avoid it until it’s too late.
Tools for acting in service to others
Active listening. I’ve described how active listening is used in facilitation during men’s work here, but broadly it’s the art of doing one of three things during conversation:
staying in silence
echoing back the other person’s words
asking clarifying questions
I don’t do anything else, and most importantly do not give advice or offer rescuing language like “don’t worry” or “I’m sorry that must be tough.” I also don’t ask the question “why?”, which tends to get people in their heads as opposed to feeling whatever emotions come up for them. I find that this is core to my being able to understand someone else’s issues. As a result, I think it’s core to being of service to other people.
Creating a mission statement: As part of my work with the men’s group All Kings, I’ve listened to a few hundred men create and state their mission statements. They all have one thing in common no matter what their age or socioeconomic situation is: they are all centered on service. Nobody has a mission statement about winning for the sake of winning. Nobody, deep down inside, thinks their ultimate mission in life is to dominate or be better than others. Now, this might be a little self-selective because I’m hearing these mission statements during men’s group retreats, not board meetings. But still, I find it fascinating and heartwarming that if you give a man a few hours to ponder his purpose in peace, the answer that comes forth is about uplifting others.
At some point I’ll have a longer post on tools for creating mission statements, but a useful template is “I create a world of ________ by doing _______.” I’ve put my version near my desk and pretend it scolds me whenever I get distracted on Twitter.
Asking for and giving support. It’s common for dudes to share goals like doing pushups every day or abstaining from porn for a period of time. Outside men’s work, what I’ve found less common is dudes responding to that with “what support would you like with that goal?” Often this support looks like a phone call or text reminding the man to do the thing he said he would. It’s super simple, but king shit nonetheless. It reminds me that the point is not to be an island. We exist to help each other.
The point of these tools
These are not world changing actions - the whole point is that they’re easy to do if you remember to do them. The more I do them or pay attention to them, the more my identity builds around showing up with self respect and service to others. And the more I base my identity around those two things, the more I do things to reinforce that identity. It’s a virtuous feedback cycle starting with tiny actions. And I’m on a constant hunt for these kinds of little tools so hit me up if you have any for yourself.