The role of old men
And creating spaces where they can dish the goods
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What do we expect of old men? In the US, we haven’t really figured that one out. Some become active stewards of communities like churches, volunteer societies, or regular games of cards. Many are squirreled away watching cable TV.
Most talk about “manhood” focuses on younger folks figuring out their identity and careers. There’s not a lot of guidance on what the hell we do when we stop making money, and generally have more time on our hands. For some this leads to a straight up identity crisis, or for others a numbness and stillness. For a select few, it leads to a life energized in a way it never was before. I wanna talk about these dudes - the ones who step into the role of “Elder”. The ones who tell stories, give (unsolicited) advice, and everyone loves them for it.
Stan is an elder. He’s the resident old timer in my men’s group. And Stan’s got stories. Here’s three of them that have given me perspective, which I relate with his permission:
On the good ol’ days: Back in the day Stan was living in San Francisco with an open script for quaaludes which was perfectly legal and normal. Yes, Stan confirms, they were amazing. Sometimes I think my life is edgier than generations past, and then I hear stories like this and realize we will never know a time like that again.
On dealing with the chaos that inevitably shows up: A group of us were stressing about how things were going for a men’s group retreat we were putting on. So Stan related how his wedding with his second wife went off without a hitch. Everything went so smoothly that in the limo back from the wedding he told his wife how oddly stress-free it was. This lasted until the next morning, when he realized he inscribed his second wife’s wedding ring with his first wife’s wedding date. Woops. As Stan puts it, the coyote represents unforeseen chaos and challenges. Don’t wallow when the coyote arrives - expect it and deal with it: “Always leave 20% for the coyote.”
On mortality and regret: One time Stan was visiting a friend who was dying of AIDs. When the friend opened the door the stench of death was overpowering. In his final days the man just wanted to be held, so Stan laid down with him and held him. Stan related one major regret about this memory: that he didn’t give the guy a reach around so he could smile before he died. As Stan puts it, he probably got a B minus from the Angel of Death that day. He regrets not getting an A.
Stan made me realize I don’t have other Stans in my life. And so I went looking for them where I look for everything else: the Internet. I think all of our timelines and feeds would benefit from a healthy dose of elders, so here are my favorites:
Sammy the Bull. There is a cottage industry online of old mafiosos sharing stories. Sammy is the best amongst them. Besides being a great storyteller, he was literally behind some of the most wild and violent stories from the mafia’s last years of strength, including personally organizing one of the most famous hits of all time: killing mob boss Paul Castellano. He knows his stories might get him killed, so he tells from an undisclosed location in AZ.
Gianni Russo claims he was raised by mobsters, had an affair with Marilyn Monroe, and was kidnapped by Pablo Escobar. He’s probably fabricated every story he’s ever told, but who cares he’s hilarious.
Paul Mooney, who passed in 2021, was steeped in the tradition of old dudes saying things to make everyone uncomfortable. Hot takes poured forth out of him so naturally that the Chappelle Show had a segment called “Ask a Black Dude” that was just him answering questions from people on the street. Here are two of those segments.
Eddie Lenihan is a legendary storyteller in the Irish seanchaí (shan-a-key) tradition. He maintains the largest private collection of folklore in Ireland and once got a road diverted because it would pave over a known meeting place for fairies, which in Ireland are powerful spirits. I love these stories, since the moral is hardly ever about a virtue other than “don’t mess with fairies”.
But I’d much rather have elders in my life than on the Internet. There aren’t a lot of spaces where folks can just show up and hear a yarn or two from old people. Maybe 4pm in a bar, but those stories are a 50/50 shot between being saucy or depressing as hell. I guess I’m looking for a campfire. Or a porch. Places where old timers have real power.
There are two men’s groups I want to plug who do incredible work on this front: Wild Courage Nights and Wild at Heart. Each hosts fires on a regular basis where men across generations are encouraged to simply show up and share a piece of themselves. Wild Courage Nights is Idaho based and Wild at Heart is all over the US (and even international). Both are Christian faith based, albeit Wild Courage nights is explicit about encouraging non-Christians to come and Wild at Heart is explicit about their fires incorporating God in a non-religious manner. It’s a simple, beautiful thing, and I hope events like theirs grow to be truly ubiquitous. I can’t think of a better communal glue than truth and fire.
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