The 3 ways men betray themselves daily

We use alcohol, porn, and social media in ways we don't want to. Why?

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Alcohol. Social media. Porn. In my experience talking to normal men about their normal problems, these are three things most men feel they should do less of, but don’t. Why is that? That’s the focus of this newsletter. 

First, let’s get the depressing data out of the way:

• 1 in 8 men aged 12 or older had Alcohol Use Disorder in the last year. 

• Social media use is driving Gen Z teens to be the most depressed, lonely, and anxious in anyone’s living memory.  

• Young people are engaging in far fewer romantic relationships and are less sexually curious than generations past. 

But stats are heady stuff. They largely don’t spur change - personal experience and intuition does. And this is where things get more interesting. 

The Issues

Take alcohol. We know it’s bad. For hundreds of years we’ve seen friends and family fall victim to it. We know enough to create a drinking age. Enough to tax it. We even tried to outlaw it 100 years ago. We drink alcohol, in large quantities, anyway. 

Take social media. Yes, the memes slap. But we also know it’s a trillion dollar addiction machine that will never give us the clout we hope it will. It does not take a PhD to understand staring at tiny screens for 3+ hours a day will undermine our ability to thrive. We do it anyway. We also know in our bones that reacting to every experience by posting on social media is, for lack of a better term, lame as hell. And yet, we envy influencers who do exactly this. 

Take porn. It’s worth noting that in talking about porn with other men, there seems to be a gay / straight divide. A lot of gay men find porn to be affirming. It can play a crucial role in coming out. I see way less, if any at all, shame in gay communities when it comes to porn consumption. 

Straight men, on the other hand, are more wary of porn. I think it’s interesting that the largest sexual health community on the Internet is Reddit’s NoFap community, which is devoted to abstaining from masturbating to porn.

And yet, we do it anyway. Practitioners commonly estimate the failure rate at 99% in the /r/NoFap community. In a 2018 study, the authors found that 98% of men had watched porn in the last 6 months.

My concern here is not what is right or wrong. My concern is that men across society experience strong intuitions and then betray them every day. 

What will rescue us? 

My hot take here is that we lean too much on science for answers to chronic habits. Science tries to describe the world as it is, and its prescriptions tend to be small, discrete changes if any at all.

Take alcohol. The Mayo Clinic says “Drinking alcohol is a health risk regardless of the amount.” It doesn’t say “don’t drink alcohol.” The Harvard School of Public Health website is even more wishy washy: “It’s safe to say that alcohol is both a tonic and a poison. The difference lies mostly in the dose.” 

Or take social media. Jonathan Haidt has a 293 page Google Doc documenting every scientific study describing how social media screws with young men’s mental health. Few people take this issue more seriously than he does. His solution? Ban phones from school and social media from those under 16. In my opinion, this would do a world of good. But I also think it sells the problem short, given there’s plenty of grown ass men, myself included, wasting days of our lives scrolling through garbage. The problem of social media vacuuming joy out of our lives does not stop at 18.

It’s outside most professional people’s job titles, let alone scientist’s, to prescribe sweeping social changes. As a result, scientists are a difficult crowd to lean on for social progress.

Religion, however, is more than happy to prescribe sweeping social changes. And the scientists who dip their toes in this field often reach into religion for conclusions. One of the most popular addiction specialists, Gabor Maté, theorizes that addiction is prevalent in western societies due to pain, or an inner emptiness. This pain is caused by lack of connection, spurred by a lack of parental love, a lack of community ties, and individualism. This results in what Maté calls “hungry ghosts” - a term he borrows from Buddhism and Chinese religious traditions to describe a spirit helplessly pursuing fulfillment. The origin of addiction, according to Maté, is not chemical imbalance, but using external tools to stop the pain of being with ourselves.

Spirit and community

Here’s where things get very spiritual very fast. Gabor Maté is a physician, but his book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, focuses on Buddhist and Chinese religious concepts to address the problem. His claims use scientific evidence to bolster them, and none of his major ideas are iron clad science. Similarly, Alcoholics Anonymous, the most widespread and successful addiction program in the US, has its famous 12 steps. 5 of those steps explicitly mention God or “Him”. The 12th step calls for having a “spiritual awakening.” Again, this is not science. 

These spiritual communities tend to practice “healing” in a communal environment. They tend to mingle medicine with a higher power. They also tend to have simple, clear directives (e.g. the 12 steps) as opposed to language sensitized to individual experiences. All these choices feel like they facilitate collective behavior - an interesting antidote given so much addictive or shameful behavior among men takes place in isolation.

I don’t know what to do about these chronic problems. I certainly am not seeking any particular religion to answer these issues for me. What I do know from experience is that a lot these chronic habits and addictions stem from wanting to feel something, often while alone. And is that not what rituals solve for? Is there room for communal practices to address these modern issues? I’m not sure, but I hope so.

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