Men’s group therapy movie awards
The top movies showing dudes doing the work.
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I watch a lot of movies with my family this time of year. Most of these movies feature a certain kind of male vulnerability. One where a man feels emotional pain, ignores it, and then has to come to terms with it after hitting rock bottom. This can look like a tragic backstory to a hero or a dude getting his heart broken. What we don’t often see men actively confronting their demons.
I’ve written before about men “doing the work” is stealthily everywhere in pop culture, but this is largely in music, where artists are sharing their own stories. In movies, we’re dealing with older tropes. But every once in a while Hollywood gets the gumption to show men putting in the work. And by “the work” I mean dudes confronting their inner demons and supporting each other to a better and brighter future. Kind of like Oceans 11, but the casino bank vault is their emotional health.
This is a rare breed in Hollywood, and deserves to be celebrated. Here are the four movies I think pull it off best, whether they intended it or not.
Magic Mike XXL (aka Magic Mike II)
I will die on the hill that this movie is about men’s mental health first and foremost. While Magic Mike I was a solid movie showcasing the highs and lows of being a male stripper, Magic Mike XXL is different. It’s got a bit of stripping for sure, but most of the movie focuses on dudes healing dudes. It’s about a male stripper crew feeling washed up, broke, and mistrustful of each other. Steadily they open up to each other, become each others’ strongest champions, and regain their mojo. Stripping just happens to be a part of the healing process. Banana hammocks are their stethoscopes. They don’t do it for the ladies - they do it for themselves and each other. If there was ever a movie with a strong “men can heal men” agenda, it is Magic Mike XXL.
Some Kind of Monster
Best music documentary ever made in my humble opinion. Some Kind of Monster shows Metallica at peak fame in the early 2000s, after being the most successful heavy metal group for the last 20 years. The documentary was originally supposed to film the band recording an album and act as a 60 minute infomercial for it. The filmmakers find the band destroying themselves from the inside out, and the band does the least heavy metal thing a band can possibly do: they hire a group therapist to talk things out and let the filmmakers document it all.
Some emotionally poignant examples:
They film the lead singer not being there for his kids, then going to rehab, trying to be a good dad, and struggling to integrate with the rest of the bandmates.
They film the bass player quitting the band, starting a side project, and putting on an embarrassingly bad live show that his bandmates pettily make fun of him for.
They film the drummer successfully selling expensive modern artwork at auction - which is pretty bold for a heavy metal icon.
It’s the opposite of an infomercial. It’s way too messy, honest, and vulnerable for that. And yet we root for them as the band finally comes together by turning against their therapist. Together they realize they can make aggressive music without negative energy. Men’s work is often uncomfortably honest and direct. The movie is about that. The brutal honesty they treat each other with is their salvation. The album debuts at #1 in 30 countries.
Barbie
Barbie is supposed to be about Barbie. The entire emotional arch of the movie though belongs to Ken. Ken has a crisis when he realizes his entire existence is merely to serve Barbie, and yet he’s continually friendzoned by her. His lack of self-worth leads to him going to war with the other Kens, and only through realizing that he’s enough (“Ken-ough”) does he find true brotherhood with the other Kens and supports them, instead of fights them. It’s all wrapped up in jokes, but the message hits kind of hard.
So hard in fact that Ryan Gosling, who played Ken, seems to have had something akin to a spiritual awakening during filming. Someone put together a list of all the things Ryan Gosling has said about playing the role, and it’s beautiful to read. Ryan had to dig deep to find his inner “Ken-ergy.” Eventually, he did. I think Ken’s arch is similar to a lot of ours. We start by seeking others’ approval. We then seek to “dominate” our peers. Eventually, by going through those motions, we switch to love, brotherhood, and service.
Wedding Crashers
Wedding Crashers, at first glance, feels like a standard bro comedy. Then you watch the Director’s Cut where Owen Wilson and the director David Dobkin narrate the psychology of the characters and things really open up. The subtext of Owen Wilson’s and Vince Vaughn’s characters, as they explain, is that they’ve gone through couples therapy together. A lot of it. It’s bro-talk infused with therapy speak. Here’s a chopped up scene from the movie as an example:
Vince Vaughn: “I’m a little too traumatized to have a scone…The sock that I wore all day, playing football in, pouring sweat in, was shoved into my mouth and then was ducktaped over it”
Owen Wilson: “Let’s talk about it I’m a good listener”
Vince Vaughn: “I’m not in a place to discuss what happened. Okay? I felt like Jodie Foster in The Accused last night. I’m gonna go home, see a Dr. Finkelstein, and I’m going to tell him: we got a whole new bag of issues. We can forget about Mom for a while.
Owen Wilson: Suit yourself… Rule number 1: never leave a fellow crasher behind. I need you.
Vince Vaughn: “I can’t believe how selfish you are…I’ll stick it out with you. Because you’re desperate…When the meal is over, I will talk to you. I don’t want to get into what happened last night because it’s only going to make me mad. Let’s get through today, let’s keep our eye on the prize, let’s focus, and let’s close some ass.”
Owen Wilson: “Can I tell you something without you getting angry? I love you”
This screams healthy male friendship in my opinion. Owen is earnest about his need and love for Vince. Vince is honest with his frustration about the situation, but agrees to support Owen in his journey. These kinds of friendships don’t happen by themselves. They require work, and their language throughout the film reflects they’ve spent a lot of time and money on that.
The Work
This one is a little on the nose, but there is a documentary about men’s group therapy called “The Work”. It’s the film that got me into men’s work in the first place, and remains the most powerful depiction of raw male emotion I’ve ever seen. It depicts a group of prisoners at Folsom, a maximum security prison in California, facilitating each other as well as non-incarcerated men. The prisoners are part of a group called Inside Circle, which started doing men’s work among gang leaders after a race riot broke out in Folsom in 1996. Those men ended up becoming some of the most skilled facilitators in the United States, and the documentary depicts one of their retreats. I recommend it to every dude with a passing interest in men’s work. You can stream it here.
Any other movies you recommend showing dudes confronting their demons in a good way? Let me know in the comments.