How should we grieve?

How some people grieve more successfully and fuller than others.

If you dig these newsletters, please share one on social media. It’s the top way to support the ego feedback loop that keeps this newsletter running. Thanks! Now onwards…

A depiction of an Irish professional mourner in 1842.

It’s hard to know how to grieve. For some of us, grief becomes all-encompassing. We become less capable of doing normal tasks. We get triggered by language and situations that remind us of loss. We get rocked.

For others, and in my experience most men fit in this bucket, grief is bottled up. In men’s group circles where we dig at emotional baggage, I see this play out on a regular basis:

• A man is angry

• We ask questions like “when is the first time you’ve felt this feeling?”, and find out a loved one died way back.

• This caused pain, although the man never grieved.

• The bottled up grief is now showing up as anger towards loved ones.

This, to me, is the sign that someone has unresolved grief - when that grief turns into something else. 

So how should we grieve? The most common way to do this in American is funerals, with a get-together afterwards.

Funerals are powerful and important. Their popularity speaks to this. That said, they could do more to help people move through grief. Here are my thoughts on that:

More formal ways to feel. We have a very formal process for honoring the dead, which is the funeral ceremony itself. We don’t have a formal process for moving through the grief. The get-together part before and after funerals tend to be very informal. 

Jewish traditions, in my opinion, have a more formal grieving period. “Sitting shiva” refers to mourning at the house of the deceased for 7 days. Activities include sitting, eating, talking, and stewing in grief. 

I like how this tradition recognizes stillness and grief. I remember in the days immediately after my father’s funeral I didn’t want to sit still. I busied myself with funeral meetings, obituary writing, and writing emails to family friends. All useful stuff, but it's work to honor someone - not the work of grieving with others.

I’ll also add that Jewish food in times of mourning is aces. A friend of mine sent me a Jewish deli platter in this time and it did wonders. Jewish or not, I recommend this as a move.

Another tradition is having professional mourners. These are people (often women) paid to show up at a funeral or grieving ceremony to cry, wail, and otherwise “lose it.” The idea is that this better enables those present to feel grief and “lose it” themselves. This practice was common in Ireland, Ancient Egypt and Rome, and is still practiced in China today. I find examples of Irish professional mourning, also known as “keening,” particularly stirring. Only a small handful of examples have ever been recorded - here’s one of them.

Ways to come back to grief over the years. Grieving is never a one and done process. I dig how some cultures have annual traditions to recognize their deceased loves ones and ancestors. Mexico’s Day of the Dead ceremony comes to mind, which celebrates those deceased. Hindus have Pitru Paksha, Japanese Buddhists have Bon, and the Chinese have Qingming. To my knowledge, these rituals are about honoring the dead more than processing repeated grief for them. That said, over the years I think those two actions tend to feel very similar and fulfill the same needs. 

Practice this stuff communally. What I find especially powerful about these practices is that they are communal. I think crying alone is insufficient for processing grief. There is something about doing it in front of other people that allows people to move through the emotion. I think this is especially true for men. Seeing someone else "go there" trains the nervous system. For a man who is hesitant to cry or grieve, seeing someone else do it first makes it easier. And when the feeling has been bottled up for a while, the cleansing feeling that often replaces the pain is that much greater.

Viewing death as our final gift. We don’t have a guidebook for dying well. Often it comes with immense amounts of fear and regret. 

Stephen Jenkinson once led the counseling team of Canada’s largest home-based palliative care program. He went to the homes of hundreds of people in their final months, weeks, and days. In this experience he found an insight: how we die determines how those around us continue to live. If we embrace the truths that death shows us, we can bring grace and clarity into the lives of those around us. We can find a level of mental health unknown to most people.

If we are fortunate enough to face death consciously, how we die becomes the final gift we get to give others. It sets the tone for how others grieve for us. You can see Jenkinson’s more fully realized thoughts on this here. 

What are your thoughts on grieving? Let me know in the comments.

Newsletter of the week

Step into a daily oasis of inspiration with the Five Minute Wisdom Newsletter! Our short and impactful publication delivers three enlightening quotes from my current reads, a health-focused insight, a personal reflection, and a thought-provoking question – all designed to enrich your day in just five minutes. Best of all, it's entirely free! Subscribe now at https://fiveminutenewsletter.beehiiv.com/ to infuse your daily routine with wisdom, and take a step towards a better, more enlightened self.