How men create safety
At least emotionally
There are two institutions in America where millions of men spend most of their time with other men: prison and the military. In both places, deviating from rules results in physical punishment. In prison you get your ass beat and in the military you do push-ups. It makes me think that in communities of just men, safety doesn’t feel that safe.
But neither prison or the military are designed to be emotionally safe. Prison is designed to be hell and the military is designed to prepare men for hell. So what would it look like if a predominantly male space prioritized emotional safety? Would it feel feminine? Or New-Agey? Men’s work groups provide a very direct answer to this, and in my experience the answer is neither.
To recap what I mean by “men’s work,” I mean the practice of men sitting in circle, sharing their truths and struggles. It can go by names like “men’s group therapy,” “the work,” or “personal development community” - I prefer to use “men’s work” as shorthand. There are tens of thousands of these groups across the US and they can cater to fathers in the suburbs, prisoners serving life sentences, and young men navigating their early career. They tend to have explicit rules that ensure members feel safe and present amidst each other in that circle. What I find interesting is that no matter what the backgrounds of the men in those circles are, the rules are similar. It implies that you can have different types of men come together, push each other’s emotional buttons, and yet still ensure each others’ safety and attentiveness - a rare thing in modern society.
The rules
Here are the rules:
I will keep everything said in the group confidential. I can speak of my own experience to others outside the group, but cannot share the experiences of others without their permission.
I will not touch another man without his permission. Unwarranted touching can lead to fights, but I also like this rule because it can also promote more physical interactions than would otherwise occur. As part of an exercise, I might hold a man while he struggles to break free, or put a hand on a man to bless him. Without this rule, I would strongly hesitate to do those things. But having the rule gives me permission to ask if that’s ok.
I will make “I” statements rather than “you” or “we” statements. In a men’s group circle, if I say “you know when you get pissed off when someone cuts you off,” someone in circle will remind me to rephrase it as “I get pissed off when someone cuts me off.” The point is to stop me from generalizing stories and help me claim my own experiences. It also makes my stories more interesting. Out of all of the rules, this was the hardest one for me and a lot of men to abide by.
I will not give advice to another man unless he explicitly asks for it. Whoever is giving advice is usually just stating a preference for themselves. I find this one a powerful method of subduing my own ego in service of another man’s needs. If he wants advice, he’ll ask for it.
I will not emotionally rescue another man. Usually, if someone is putting themselves down I might minimize the problem by telling them “it’s not that bad” or “you’re a great guy”. I do that so the dude doesn’t feel bad. This rule is all about letting the dude feel like shit. Let him go through the motions, and I’ll be there with him as he does it. I can support him without his truth becoming mine.
I will not interrupt another man while he is speaking. Pretty self-explanatory.
The result of these rules is that conversations tend to be intense and direct. If someone is talking about problems with their romantic partner, and I’m not allowed to give advice or say banal stuff like “it’s gonna be alright” - conversations go deep. If I’m forced to tell a story by saying “I” instead of “you know when you…”, I choose my words more carefully and what comes out feels a little more raw. And if I get to a super raw space, nobody has to do anything. They just let me marinate in it as long as I’m physically safe.
While these rules and processes are designed for men’s groups, I think they work well as personal rules for men in general. They may not be as popular as the kind of rules that help men think of themselves as “great” or successful men, but they are fantastic rules for men who want to create safety. And that is a lot of us. Usually this instinct is limited to physical safety, but I think we can begin to broaden this instinct to emotional safety - especially since most physically unsafe situations start with emotionally unsafe situations.
Settling beef
In the event a man has beef with another man, he can request a process called a clearing. Clearings can be a long process but here’s a condensed version: two men stand in the center of a circle facing each other, sometimes holding a staff in the center to ground them and keep their hands occupied. A facilitator asks the man who requested the clearing a series of questions, often with the following rubric:
What’s the data, or the facts surrounding the beef?
How does this make you feel?
What judgements do you have for the person in front of you? Can you own any of those projections for yourself?
Is there anything you want from the person in front of you, knowing that you may not get it?
While this is happening, the person receiving all of this just stands there as a mirror. They say nothing. The point is for the person with the beef to gain a better understanding of their own triggers and emotional baggage, not for the recipient to change (although they choose to do so after hearing what was shared). Not all the time, but the majority of the time, the person who requests the clearing feels “clear” by simply running the process without the kind of back and forth that is standard for most conflict resolutions.
For myself at least, if I have an issue with someone, simply telling them - especially when witnessed by a bunch of peers standing around me - is enough. And as a spectator, clearings are a beautiful thing to watch. In the span of 10 minutes I can see a man start from a place of anger and end in a place of compassion just by talking to himself.
Hot take
In the never-ending battle of which man can outcompete other men in being a man, I humbly suggest the following: making other men feel safe is the final frontier of alpha-ness. Imagine removing a man’s doubts and fears to the point he can just be himself. Is there anything more powerful?
Or answer me this: who is the bigger Gym Chad? The man who doesn’t make eye contact and grunts real hard? Or the one who fist bumps the nerd with two string beans for arms, giving that nerd the emotional gusto to return week in, week out, get in shape, and now high fives Gym Chad out of gratitude? The Internet of course answered this question in 2017.
Making men feel emotionally secure is the ultimate form of domination, and I’m willing to die on that hill. I anticipate a future where therapy and coaching evolves from making the individual feel safe, to helping the individual help others feel safe.