Down into pain. Up into parties.
How the frontier of healing is where all the scam artists and parties are.
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The vast majority of therapy, men’s work, and healing frameworks focus on one of two things: going down into the pain, or up into possibility. Down into pain is getting relief of issue like trauma, depression, and addiction. Up into possibility is feeling infused with agency and gratitude. Between the two, “down into pain” is where the vast majority of attention is spent. It’s where 1:1 therapy tends to focus. It’s where insurance coverage is at. Confronting and getting relief from pain is the reason most people seek therapy or healing in the first place.
But going down into pain is only useful for so long. Uncovering mom and dad issues only carries so many insights. Eventually, the focus shifts towards the future. Towards wanting to feel energized and filled with possibility. The people, exercises, and business models that help us go “down into pain” tend to not be so helpful with the “up into possibility” part.
And this is where things get tricky. Where can someone turn to go “up into possibility?” There’s no insurance billing code for this side of healing and no required licenses to practice in this area. This is the realm of motivational speakers and life coaches. Of online strangers affirming “you can do it.” This is where a lot of bullshit tends to live. I also think it’s where the frontier is for interesting men’s work and therapeutic work to be done. This post is about the the models that address going down into pain and up into possibility, and where I see those models evolving.
Down into pain
First, a few words on what I mean by “down into pain.” To me “down into pain” means focusing on painful memories, feelings, or bodily sensations. It’s dealing with addiction, abuse, anxiety, a friend feeling aloof, indecision, feeling “unworthy”, narcissism etc. All important stuff.
It also makes for good business. All businesses tend to focus on solving “pain points” and we’re talking about literal emotional pain here. And so therapists will market dealing with various issues like teen depression, eating disorders, marital strife, etc. Our insurance system for mental health is based on billing codes which in turn are based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which is published by the American Psychiatric Association. So DSM diagnoses like depressive disorders, anxiety disorders, and schizophrenia get billing codes and insurance money.
The more a therapeutic intervention can measurably address one of these issues, the more easily it gets approved for coverage. As a result, therapeutic frameworks like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and Internal Family Systems (IFS) get designed and iterated to do exactly that. The term for this is called becoming an “evidence based therapy.”
For the pain points they’re designed to deal with, they work - at least according to the stats. They won’t, however, infuse you with mojo. Therapists and licensed practitioners of these systems tend to be some of the least charismatic people I’ve ever met. I’ve met funeral directors with more rizz than the last therapist I had. The DSM has no code for mojo, and so for that we must look elsewhere.
Up into possibility
“Up into possibility” is the field of learning confidence. Of tearing out limiting beliefs. Of feeling filled with agency and gratitude. It’s also where the hucksters and salesmen tend to reside. My all time favorite example in this category was The Secret, a 2006 book and documentary that bubbles down to this: if you want to be wealthy, or find the partner of your dreams, or find an open parking spot - ignore self doubt and focus on wanting it. Full stop. The Universe will respond to your energy and provide. Abraham Lincoln, Beethoven, and Leonardo DaVinci all knew this and kept it to themselves. The book sold 19 million copies and the movie grossed $300 million.
Examples like this can make it tempting to write off this field as bullshit. When you cut out the vague affirmations and folks who are simply lying, there’s a lot less going on in this space compared to therapies focused on pain.
In my experience, there are three places “up into possibility” work actually gets done in these times:
Protocol Daddies, aka dudes on social media explaining how to live life. I explain who these folks are more here but in a nutshell, these are largely Gen X men with podcasts who focus on how to get healthier or get wealthier. They are the life coaches of the Internet.
Mastermind groups are peers who get together and share issues - like mommy groups, but professionally focused. These have been popular since Napoleon Hill wrote about them in his 1937 book Think and Grow Rich. Andrew Carnegie, J.R.R. Tolkien, a lot of Silicon Valley founders, and Mr. Beast (Youtube’s most popular personality) all attribute their success to these groups.
Gazing out at the skyline with the homies and softly proclaiming: “this is our city, our time”. I ripped this from The Onion but there’s science behind it. Our eyes are an extension of our brain and are a powerful lever for changing bodily state. According to Andrew Huberman, staring at a horizon, as opposed to looking at things close by, relaxes our nervous system, inhibits anxiety, and opens us up more to possibilities. It’s one of the major reasons people find themselves to be more relaxed and creative when they’re outdoors.
All of these have done at least a little something for me. But have they dramatically boosted my mojo? No. So what does?
Way up into possibility
To my knowledge, there’s exactly one dude who’s made an entire career out of getting people so jazzed and juiced for life their heads explode: Tony Robbins. I went to one of his 5 day seminars, and I’d bet good money that nobody else can get 5,000 people in a Palm Beach conference center more amped for life than Tony. Despite me entering that conference incredibly disillusioned with Tony Robbins and the whole motivational speaker industry, I left feeling like an espresso machine.
Here’s how Tony got me. Every 20 minutes at a Tony Robbins conference someone says something kind of interesting. Instead of a collective head nod, the lasers go live, the music starts blaring, and everyone gets out of their seat to dance. It feels kind of silly until the moment when I sit back down and realize I have more energy and focus than a pocket full of Zyns. There’s nothing my naysaying mind can do about it. I feel fantastic. And it lasts for as long as I’m still willing to get up and dance to a Katy Perry remix.
This is by design. The seminar is built around the insight that if you want to change your mind (to be in a more positive and creative mood, for example), you need to change your body. No amount of willpower or thinking about it will put me in a positive or creative mood. I have to change my bodily state. As far as I know, this list represents the latest and greatest in “do something to your body to get in a better mood” technology. Footnotes link to the science behind it.
Work out / go on a run. If you need it, you can have Papa Swolio tell you every morning to go to the gym.1
Take a cold shower for at least a minute. If you want to be fancy about it, do a cold plunge.2
Breathwork. Wim Hoff breathing or Breath of Fire (aka Kundalini) are two examples. This is controlled hyperventilating. Somehow, for reasons of Science, controlled hyperventilating makes people feel incredible.3
Bounce on a mini trampoline or run up/down a set of stairs. This is the short and quick version of working out. Tony Robbins does a short stint on a tiny trampoline to up his energy. Exercise physiologist Andy Galpin recommends running up and down stairs for 20 seconds. The idea is to do this a few times a day to keep energy and focus high. It works.
Go outside and touch some trees. As biochemist and botanist Diana Beresford-Kroeger explains, a good number of trees release aerosols that make us feel better. In Japan there’s a whole practice of this that translates to “forest bathing.” Basically, walk around for 15 minutes amongst trees, especially when it’s warm, expose your skin, and take deep breaths.
Listen to pump up jams and dance. There’s a reason they’re called pump up jams after all. You can’t half ass it though. You have to actually pump up the jam.4
And that’s it.
I think it’s kind of funny that two hundred years ago, doctors prescribed the countryside to rich city folks experiencing mental health issues. Turns out they were right. Petting trees, hopping in a lake, and chopping some wood checks most of the boxes we’re talking about here.
But why stop there? What if we checked all the boxes - some kind of dance workout, some heavy breathing, surrounded by trees, with blaring music. I’m pretty sure what I’m describing is a good old fashioned pagan rave in the woods. The instincts of doctors 200 years ago were pretty on point. The instincts of shamans 3,000 years ago were spot on. Personally I’ve never been to a pagan rave in the woods so I can’t attest to its efficacy. But the science is clear. Pagan raves in the woods are the future of positive psychology.
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https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/depression-and-exercise/art-20046495#:~:text=How%20does%20exercise%20help%20depression,your%20sense%20of%20well%2Dbeing
https://www.foundmyfitness.com/topics/cold-exposure-therapy
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6189422/
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/psychology-workout-music/