Bring back mages and healers
How amateur healers can turn the tide on mental health
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Men especially don’t identify as “healers.” The term feels feminine and unprofessional. Like if I were to proclaim one of my hobbies, as a man, was healing other people, that would be weird. It would be especially weird if someone tried to clarify if I were a doctor and I responded “No. My healing comes from the heart.”
There’s not much of an appetite for men to identify as healers unless they have a doctorate or license. There’s no amateur identity for the healing arts. I think this is a driving force behind the decline of men’s mental health and ability to build communities. This newsletter is about that impact, and what we can do about it.
The value of unprofessional healing
First, here’s what I mean by “healing.” I’m referring to helping someone feel healthy emotionally. “Healing” could also be called building connections with other people, learning how to feel emotions, or providing a sense of safety and okayness.
Here’s why I’m concerned about the distinction between professional healing and amateur healing: amateur skills are essential to daily well being.
For example, a lot of men aren’t professional cooks, and yet they are really friggin good at cooking. They spend a ton of time perfecting techniques. I don’t know if you’ve ever been tempted to buy a meat smoker, but that baby is going to claim thousands of your dollars and hundreds of hours of your time. Why do men do this? Because giving someone else A+ BBQ is a helluva gift.
Or take home improvement. A lot of men aren’t professional contractors, and yet they’re handy with a drill. Why? Because building stuff is cool and a few fixes around the house can really improve the vibe.
And then we get to health. Yes, men can wax poetic about physical fitness, supplements, and microplastics in our balls. But can we do the same about our emotional lives? Not so much. We have not yet found a way to turn mental health skills into a cool hobby. There’s no identity there that men gravitate towards.
The consequence is that there are very few men who can have emotionally resonant conversations, leading to a lot of dudes with repressed emotions.
What about therapists?
I don’t think the answer is more therapists. There’s about 1,000 people in the US for every 1 person employed in mental health services. On top of this, 76% of therapists are women, and male employment across caring professions is way down:
While more men in caring professions and mental health would be a good thing, I think 10xing the amount of male therapists would still be inadequate. For example, if I want to eat better on the daily, the answer is not for there to be more chefs in the world. The answer is for me and those around me to know our way around a stove. The same goes for mental health. If men are going to live more emotionally fulfilling lives, we all need some basic skills on that front.
What’s getting in our way?
There’s a few perceptions we need to overcome on this front.
Asking questions about emotional stuff is feminine. Therapy speak can sound feminine, but it doesn’t need to be. I think dudes trip themselves up when they equate emotional conversations with comforting someone. In my opinion, if a dude says “I’m a piece of shit,” there is never a need to say stuff like “don’t worry you’re a good dude.” Let him feel like a piece of shit. In fact, ask more questions about what that feels like and where that comes from. Leaning into the ugly, as opposed to changing the subject because you feel uncomfortable, is masculine as hell. Emotions are important information, and getting clear on information is masculine.
Engaging in deep emotional work is risky and should be reserved for therapists. Being a dude who’s good at mental health stuff largely boils down to asking emotionally resonant questions. If your friend is complaining about his partner and you ask your friend “how does that make you feel?” he’ll go as deep as he wants to go and no further. Questions among friends are free, safe, and greatly appreciated 99% of the time.
Engaging in emotional conversations is a pain in the ass. If this is your frame of mind, change it. Engaging in uncomfortable conversations can be draining. So is working out. What the hell are we here for if not to feel shit? Engaging in uncomfortable stuff is what makes us generally useful to other people. Men who think of emotional conversations as work to be avoided are soft as shit.
Creating a new identity
And so how do we make engaging in emotions interesting and cool for us men? How do we encourage men to become low key healers? Here’s my theory.
Most folks who identity as “healers” I would generously describe as “soft.” They’re into crystals. They like the moon. But there is one subgenre of “healer” that is masculine. For all of us who read fantasy fiction or play fantasy games, we are aware of the bearded dude with potions. The mage who restores HP. Every Dungeons and Dragons crew needs one. Every World of Warcraft squad has a support character. It’s a thing.
We need these guys in real life. That friend who is there for you and asks deep questions? He’s your mage. Give him some status and treat him as such. Is not the real life version of a spell a good question? Is not the ability to make someone feel deeply some kind of wizardry?
Mages aren’t warriors, but they’re in the shit with you. The chads aren’t going to be the first in line for this archetype, and that’s fine. We’re not all mages. It just needs to be cool to some people. Judging by the amount of us who grew up on Harry Potter, Dungeons and Dragons, and fantasy videogames, plenty of dudes are ready to step into this.
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